I am answering an open answer questionaire. The questions are about life, the answers on the page I disagree with . Someone else perhaps has filled in the answers.
I am weak, stumbling out of the car, no strength in my legs or my back. I am drained, as though host to a parasite. It is a cancer drink away at my life.
I feel ecstatic, energy drained, I ask the driver to slow down so I can get out, the car still moving. It is a public toilet in Korbusser, Berlin. But it looks like a park fountain, people milling around in 2s and 3s talking. Tall handsome people, talking in the sunshine, I overhear, This could not happen in Thailand, a scene so nice here in Germany.
I return to the questionaire and I know the answer, against the answer already on the page. A moment of inspiration, joy, but now I am overcome with grief, for I am about to die. A sadness, a sorrow, mourning feeling arrives. I am wanting to cry – this life, it ends, it departs me and I cry for myself , for the lifeI am about to lose. Gone.
Tuesday 3 January 2012, cloudy.
It is 5:48am and I am woken, waking from a dream by the sobbing and the tears brimming, and trailing out the outside edge of my eyes, they trail down the sides of my face to the pillow behind/under my head. I think of my sister, myself. I feel as though I have just foreseen my own death, watch this movie of my end of life. The essence of a thing. I feel as though I have just discovered the truth of it, the essence of a thing.
I am up at 6, dressed and outside as the light creeps into the valley and the town.The clouds drawn and drifting north, the buildings cloaked in smoke, white.